I hate the hate I hate

I would like to retreat into the nothingness that houses my soul
I would like to burn every fucking emotion that ever had the audacity to crawl from my heart
I don’t even think this falls under a cosmic sense of humour
This is nothing less than torture, divined by a god whose sense of the macabre exceeds the words given to us to express ourselves
I hear the whispers louder than ever before, instead of them coming forward I was pushed back
I stand in their midst trying to hold on to my sanity
Trying to clear a path back to where I was happy, but there is no step for me to take
There is no way for me to see the world like it once was
I am lost in my own head, and it’s filled with nothing but screams
Screams of my childhood, which I tried to supress with every breath I breathe
Screams of the pain as he left scars on me no angel or devil will ever find
Screams of hopes that I placed in the realm of possibility only to be bullied out by reality
Screams of my future as it breaks under the pressure of decisions I had no hand in
I feel like I am once again close to breaking
I am close to falling back into a pit I only just climbed out of
I try and try to find a glimpse of what they call normality
But with every reach of my burned finger tips it mocks me
It shows me relentlessly that it would rather flee and laugh at me than embrace me
And all I ever did was try, try to gain what was never given to me
I crave the beauty of feeling something I can’t deny
Something that will show me that my efforts are worth more than a footnote on a page of history no one will ever look at
I swim in the waves that crash on a dark beach no one ever visits
And that is where I sleep, stranded amongst forgotten wishes of people whose lives got tangled up with my own
My fingers feel too heavy to tell the truth in a manner that suits a writer of my calibre
They just want to let out what is stuck, let loose what hurts and see if we can make sense of it
But words tend to hide what they mean if they aren’t structured properly
And my fingers often fail these simple tests or puzzles if you will
I just sit there staring at my insanity on a white backdrop and see my soul look back at me
And it never once smiled, in every page I graced with my pain
Every page I dabbled my love in, it never once showed a mere grin
The corner of its mouth is forever stuck in what can only be described as mockery
My own soul is against me
Perhaps because I put it into too many situations where it got hurt
Perhaps my heart told it lies and now they band together to leave me
All I wanted was a chance, a mere chance
A dalliance if you will, with normality
But she broke that piece as well
That last bit of hope I had reserved, I saved from the wretches of my last try
It was a fragile little jewel, meant to be only taken out when the time was right
After testing, trial and error to see if this would last
But it always ends in destruction
It always ends with me picking up the dust
Gathering the smoke of a cloud that held my dreams
Finding the line that was so stuck on that dark cloud
And all I find is more darkness, more emptiness
Lost in a world where I am nothing more than a sense of humour in a world of irony
I cling to any scent that resembles what I want
Yet I walk with my nose clogged up to not get tempted by fakes
The world is a cruel joke you often aren’t in on
Follow your heart is what they tell you, but what if your heart is a damned idiot
Who refuses to learn from its mistakes
What if your very being is dependent on being happy
And that is taken from you
Where those dark emotions find you again
Where that creepy urge touches you on the shoulder
Where the memory of her flashes before you, and what it meant, what she did
This is the world that I know
This is the karma that chases me
This is the ugliness that resides in me
This is the wickedness that sleeps in me
I hate
And I hate the fact that I hate
But I love my hatred so I hate the fact that I hate my hate
My rage has always defined my goals
My stubbornness has always guided my steps
So when you tell me that my path was for nothing, I get upset
And that is where this is born
In pain, in restlessness, in acceptance of what will never be
I hate you for being you, but it pales in comparison with how much I hate me
I keep doing this to myself
Why?

Love isnt all its cracked up to be. And that is why I hate the hate I hate. Love tends to play these games with you. Where you feel all safe and comfortable. Where you are happy just being with love. But then you realize that you get to say something like I hate the hate I hate. Because the pain that is being born from feeling love ache is the anguish that is called hate. Now, some tend to relay some of their feelings into other ways. And tend to stay away from hatred. But I embrace my hate to the point where Im kind of a friend with it. So I hate the hate I hate is how I felt when love ache found me again. I hate the hate I hate … I truly do.

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