I hate myself

This world is a very dark place filled with a lot of negativity and misplaced anger. All of this negative energy tends to swirl around goodness. And some people tend to get lost in the dark. They tend to lose themselves in the dark and all the negativity. Till they reach a point where they say “I hate myself”.

There are several ways the negativity touches people. Some get depressed, others go through an eating disorder. There are more mental diseases than I dare mention in this post. The one I was afflicted with was depression. Depression is a disease that follows you around relentlessly until it finally breaks you. Some try to dilute the stress of depression with drugs. Others try to fight it with their own powers. I belong to the latter and I try to incorporate the depression into my life as best I can.

I hate myself because I am not who I want to be.

But it still trickles into my life in a way that I can’t control it. And I hate that about myself. Because my self-worth is tied to who I am. And who I am is then linked to my appearance. And trying to control my appearance is one hell of a task. A lot of people go through this because they feel that their looks are what defines them to the world.

So they want to control the definition. Fasting, throwing up, extreme exercise, steroids, protein shakes and a lot more. All of these and a lot more are mere tools people use in their attempt to control their appearance. They want to turn “I hate myself” into “I love myself” but they always forget that loving yourself should come from within and not be based on what you look like.

Because looks fade. This is my spoken word attempt to show you what it feels like to deal with all of this as I go through life.

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