Chasing a Feeling

The trouble with not knowing what you want out of life is that you will drift to find it. And sometimes you have a feeling you cant define guiding you. And that is one of the most painful things a free spirit can go through. Because then you are no longer chasing a dream, no, you are chasing a feeling. An emotion not linked to an event but to something you have yet to find. And the only clue you have is those small moments of happiness you come across as you try new things. So you hope or perhaps even delude yourself in believing that those small moments of happiness can give you a long lasting moment. Which is true for some but for most it is nothing more than a burden. Because explaining to normal people what you want, becomes a task you can’t fulfill.

You find yourself stuck trying to defend a dream you never saw. And you try to define it for yourself so you can explain it to them. But the answer never really suffices because explaining an emotion that is based on chasing a feeling is hard to explain, let alone get. But yet you try because life without happiness isn’t worth living. You ignore all the snarky comments and frustrating discussions because you want to be happy. But then you find out that those moments of happiness cant be repeated. Every moment has to be new and it has to be different. Or else your feelings will turn on you and twist that moment of happiness into another dull moment. Or maybe even a routine that you can’t get out of. Making a week feel like a year and a year like eternity.

So you want to escape your escape and find something else. Because if the world becomes a place of normality without anything amazing, it becomes hell. And that is where I feel like I’m standing. In front of the gates of hell whistling a tune of ignorance as I think I’m content. But my inner voice is louder than most. My darkness has never had to hide and thus it feels comfortable being honest. And even though each word is drenched in an all consuming substance I still believe each one. Call me naive for believing the world is still amazing at 25 plus. Call me gullible for thinking I can still do anything. Call me a dreamer who does naught but divert the path of responsibility. Or call me a loner because I would rather walk in the dark on a undefined road than follow your steps.

Call me insane because I would rather be happy and uncomfortable than comfortable and miserable. Love starts from within and acceptance begins at understanding of self. Not everyone is meant for confinement. Play the keys of life as if you are trying to outdo the legends before you. Keep pulling at the threads of reality till you see the truth meant for you. Open the box and find the poor lost soul you never considered. I am chasing a feeling I never felt, but heard about. I’m craving a sensation based on a hunch given to me by minor glances. I am forever searching for that one place where I will no longer want. I am trying to let go of myself. So I can find me.

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