Poem: Usually I would never say it

Usually I would never say it, but I don’t like you

The glances of your disappointment have always replayed themselves in my memory

And frankly the misery you impacted on me is nothing less than insane

You never laid a hand on me, but nothing hurts more than emotional pain

You scarred me deeper than any fist could ever dare

You placed me in a box of regret and kept me there

Your whispers of neglect became screams in a head already filled with self-loathing

And when your messages came to me, through my mother it felt as if you were gloating

Usually I would never say it, BUT … no let’s just go on, we’ll come back to this but later on

You never gave me a song to listen to, you never gave me a movie to watch

Never gave me words to life by, felt as if it didn’t matter if I would live or die

Our conversations existed out of hello and goodbye

My room was a safe place where your face was never seen

The tower of my self-esteem slowly started to lean

My innocence was in your hands and you dropped it

Am I wrong to blame you for it

For instead of picking it up, you simply looked at it

Usually I would never say it, BUT … no let’s just go on, we’ll come back to this but later on

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t your own

Maybe it’s because I didn’t follow the path you set out

Maybe it’s because you didn’t like anything of what I was about

But who cares, a child needs to be loved and you forgot that rule

You made yourself and every man that looks like you look like a fool

The steps of your regrets have been engraved in the stone wall that is my past

Your disapproving words have become barriers I’m still trying to get past

This is the strength of the curse you have cast

Usually I would never say it, BUT … no let’s just go on, we’ll come back to this but later on

Perhaps you wanted your failures to be redone by me

Perhaps I was a test run for how your child should not be

Perhaps maybe possibly conceivably

These if ands and buts are slowly driving me crazy

But before that lets go back to the first BUT

But maybe you not talking to me, was partly my fault as well

I trust words more than people so to them my secrets I would tell

And as a teenager I was pretty bad

I would never listen to a thing anyone said

So maybe you tried but I wasn’t paying attention

And there are a few instances that I can easily mention

Where I know we had a dialogue, just me and you

And I know you tried to help, so for that Thank You

Let’s go on to but two

Losing your innocence is a part of life

And thanks to those experiences I can now handle strife

You introduced me to rap, because I know it wasn’t my mother

And thanks to you I now have two little brothers

At a certain point you and I had no words to share

But I tend to forget that you were always there

To say goodbye to, and to say hello to

It’s so easy to walk away but you stayed, so for that I want to say Thank you

Let’s go on to but Three

You cared for me, but not in the way I wanted you to

You were there for me, but not the way I wanted you to

But who am I to decide for another how to love

If I don’t convey through words how I want to be treated

Then I shouldn’t complain if it’s not the way I want it to be

This, now, sounds real selfish to me

But you loved me in your own way, so for that I want to say Thank you

And but four, you are still around, still coping with whatever I nonsense I might throw at you

You even decided to throw some in yourself

Diamonds and gold are worthless, it’s you and what you represent that are the worlds wealth

For the void you are filling has been left by those unable or those unwilling

So step dads, stepfathers, uncles, cousins, grandfathers to any and all who fill that fatherly role

I Vino Venitas with every emotion I have that is true would like to say

Thank you

Vino

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Poem: Usually I would never say it